I combed my hair and put a little gloss on my lips and I thought, as I sometimes do, of the words of Burt Bacharach, “Hey little girl comb your hair fix your makeup.” Those words remind me of all the marriage and relationship advice that I’ve heard over my life.  The advice has come from a broad range of sources, from Burt Bacharach to my brother’s first wife. The drivel seems to stay with me as well as the sensible.

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An early bit of advice came from Mary, the cheerful young nurse who married my brother. I was twelve and on my first solo trip to California to visit them. I don’t know why she thought I could make any use of it, but she advised, “When you get married, make sure the person is a really good friend, because the romance and sex fade pretty quick.” At that point I really had no clue what was involved in sex, but the idea of being with someone who is a good friend made sense. 

My brother was a Navy pilot and gone a lot.  Shortly after she gave me that bit of advice, I went back home and, in a few weeks, learned that Mary had taken up with someone else at the hospital where she worked. My brother and Mary soon divorced.

My mother married the man who was probably the most eligible bachelor in our small Midwestern town, and some might have gossiped a bit. Mother occasionally said as a kind of joke, rather than as advice, “Don’t ever marry for money. You’ll earn every cent of it.” Fortunately, my parents were completely devoted to each other. (Unfortunately, this gave me an unrealistic idea of marriage).

Years later when I was attending a small women’s college in the Midwest, the administration tried to enrich our lives in this, remote community. We had concerts, performances, and lectures. One lecture was by a woman who was a social worker. I remember only one thing she said. Her advice was that when you become parents, remember that the most important relationship you need to attend to is the one with your husband. That sounded so sensible at the time.  Twenty three years later at the age of 40, with two in diapers and a demanding job, I thought about her advice with a longing smile. It still sounded like a worthy goal. 

I can’t remember when Burt Bacharach entered the advice column in my head, but he has stayed. I do think of his song as I comb my hair and “fix my makeup” before my husband is due home. 

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Burt’s Advice:

“Hey, little girl
Comb your hair, fix your make-up
Soon he will open the door
Don’t think because
There’s a ring on your finger
You needn’t try any more
For wives should always be lovers, too
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you.” 

I love that last line. If I did that, my husband might think he had walked into the wrong house. I have never done that, but I do try to look a little tidier at the end of the day. Sometimes it’s a matter of washing the leaves and mud off from my day in the garden or it might be addressing the dazed and crumpled look after a day in front of the computer screen. (And for an update, you might be the one coming home from work.)

My husband and I have been together for over 40 years and honestly, I doubt that he ever looks at me with a critical eye when he walks through the door or thinks, “Wow, did she comb her hair or fix her makeup? And why hasn’t she run to me?” Bless his heart, I don’t think he would notice one way or another. But I still like to comb my hair and “fix my makeup” and have realized that – “Hey little girl, it’s more for yourself.” It’s a kind of punctuation in the pattern of the day.

I can’t think of any of the advice I’ve heard over the years that I have passed along. But recently, while getting my hair cut by a wide-eyed young stylist, I did share something. She was very impressed to learn that I had been married for so many years. She asked with sweet sincerity, “I’d really like to know. What do you think is the key to a long marriage – communication?” In spite of all the previous advice and without hesitation, I responded, “Nope. Determination!” Not advice; just reality.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Dr. Susan DeMersseman is a psychologist and writer with frequent contributions to the San Francisco Chronicle, Christian Science Monitor and other publications and books. Her blog, Raising kids, gardens, and awareness, is a humorous and touching look at raising children, gardens, and awareness.